Emotional Boundaries in Relationships
A successful relationship is composed of two individuals each
with a clearly defined sense of her or his own identity. Without our
own understanding of self, of who we are and what makes us unique, it
is difficult to engage in the process of an ongoing relationship in
a way that is functional and though not always smooth is a safe environment
that generally enhances each of the partners. We need a clear sense
of self in order to clearly and unambiguously communicate our needs
and desires to our partner. When we have a strong conception of our
own identity, we do not feel threatened by the intimacy of the relationship
and can appreciate and love those qualities in our partner that make
him or her a unique person. When two people come together, each with
a clear definition of her or his own individuality, the potential for
intimacy and commitment can be astounding. The similarities between
two people may bring them together, but in an ideal partnership, sometimes
called interdependent, their differences are respected and contribute
to the growth of their relationship which aids in the growth of the
individuals in that relationship.
One feature of a healthy
sense of self is the way we understand and work with our emotional boundaries.
Personal boundaries are the limits we set in relationships that allow
us to protect our selves from being manipulated by, or enmeshed with,
emotionally needy others. Such boundaries come from having a good sense
of our own self-worth. They make it possible for us to separate our
own thoughts and feelings from those of others and to take responsibility
for what we think, feel and do. Boundaries are part of the biological
imperative of maturation as we individuate and become adult people in
our own right. We are, all of us unique, and boundaries allow us to
rejoice in our own uniqueness. Healthy intact boundaries are flexible,
they allow us to get close to others when it is appropriate and to maintain
our distance when we might be harmed by getting too close. Good boundaries
protect us from becoming engulfed in abusive relationships and pave
the way to achieving true intimacy the flipside of independence, as
we grow to interdependence the relationship of two mature individuals.
They help us take care of ourselves and if we can receive it, to respect
the selves of others.
Unhealthy boundaries are generally as a result of being
raised in dysfunctional families where maturation and the individuation
process was not properly understood nor the child respected as an individual.
In these types of families the unmet needs of parents or other adults
are sometimes so overwhelming that the task of raising children is demoted
to a secondary role, and dysfunction is the likely result. Consider
the role of the father or mother who screams at his/her children or
becomes physically, verbally or emotionally abusive with them as a self-centred
way of dealing with his/her own stored up anger/grief from their own
traumatic childhood. The emotional fallout of these unmet developmental
needs, which, depending on the severity of the original pain, is often
close to the surface and can be triggered by totally unrelated present
circumstances. The pain of their own childhood experiences repressed
for so long is felt again, insisting that these experiences be dealt
with, relegating the present needs of the children for safety, security,
respect and comfort to second place at best. But sometimes because of
what they represent and the negative self worth of the parent the child
can be perceived as the 'enemy' and so dysfunction is passed on from
one generation to the next. This is not to say that the childhood experiences
of the parent were necessarily horribly abusive, it is just that what
may have been acceptable parenting practices in their family of origin
for generations were abusive. More often than not these practices and
their underlying attitudes were based on false or abusive religio-cultural
premises. What the children are likely to learn in this situation is
that boundaries don't matter, that indeed they, as individual human
beings, don't matter except where they are useful for the emotional
needs of others. As they grow up in their families of origin, they lack
the support they need from parents or caregivers to form a healthy sense
of their own identities. their own individuality. In fact, they may
learn that to get their needs met they must get their way with others.
To do this they need to intrude on the emotional boundaries of other
people just as their father or mother may have done. They would in all
likelihood grow up with fluid boundaries, that cause them to swing between
feelings of engulfment on the one hand and abandonment on the other
inevitably leading to dysfunctional relationships later on in life.
They would have at best, a hazy sense of their own personal boundaries,
not able to properly define where they end and the other begins. Conversely,
they may learn that rigid and inflexible boundaries might be the way
to handle their relationships with other people. They wall themselves
off in their relationships as a way of protecting their emotional selves,
and, as a consequence, will, in all likelihood find it difficult to
form lasting close interpersonal bonds with others in adulthood as they
are still trying to individuate from their parents. The exception in
this is of relationships predicated on the same rigid rule based structure
as their family of origin where nothing came into the family or out
from it, but in this case the bond is likely to be enmeshment.
The following are
some ways in which unhealthy boundaries may show themselves in our relationships,
along with some remedies:
Lack of a Sense of Identity
When we lack a sense
of our own identity and the boundaries of the self that protect and
define us as individuals, we tend to draw our identities, our sense
of self worth from our partner or significant other as we did in the
earliest stage of our biological growth in our family of origin, drawing
our sense of worth from their perceptions of us. The structure of the
relationship in this case is not that of equals in a partnership but
that of parent and child. Leading in some cases to that most unequal
of relationships, master and slave. It is quite possible that children
developing in a family where the important relationship of the parents
is an unequal one will be forced to take on roles as either surrogate
spouse and/or adopt roles that it is hoped will restore dignity to the
family and balance to the system. If we can't imagine who we would be
without our relationship, chances are we come from a dysfunctional family
of origin and have learned co-dependent behaviour patterns. Unable to
find fulfilment within ourselves we look for such fulfilment in others
and are willing to do anything it takes to make the relationship work,
just as we may have done in our enmeshed family of origin, even if this
means giving up our emotional security, friends, integrity, sense of
self-respect or worth, independence, or employment. We may even endure
objectification, (an attitude in which we are no longer perceived as
feeling human-being but just an object, a part of the family system),
in the form of physical, emotional or sexual abuse just to save the
relationship.
The more rational alternative
is to find out who we are and what makes us unique, and we will rejoice
in the freedom of this discovery. We will come to realise that our value
and worth as a person is not necessarily dependent on having a significant
other in our life, that we can function well as an independent person
in our own right. When we move into accepting ourselves for who we really
are warts and all, we will be able to accept others for who they are;
our relationships and ourselves will actually have a chance to grow
into emotionally mature adults able to give freely out of choice and
flourish in our new found freedom. This journey of self-discovery can
be challenging and painful but highly rewarding. Working with a trained
therapist or as part of a support group or a combination of both can
provide the structure and support we need to take on this task. But
whatever way we may choose the first step is to acknowledge to ourselves,
God and possibly another person that our lives as we have tried to control
and manage them have become unmanageable. The second is to give ourselves
over to the cleansing and renewal processes.
Settling for Second Best
We may cling to the
irrational belief that things are good enough as they are, we feel a
measure of security in the relationship, that change is a difficult
and fearful prospect, or that we don't deserve any better, our life
has always been a sacrifice of the self, and that this is as good as
it's likely to get. In the process, however, we give up the chance to
be the person we were meant to be and to explore our sense of personal
fulfilment in life. We give up not only our own life dreams but our
sense of worth in order to maintain the security of a relationship.
A healthy relationship
is one in which boundaries are not only strong, but flexible enough,
to allow us to flourish with our own uniqueness, but are also known
to and respected by each other. There is a sense of respect on the part
of both partners that allows each to live as full a life as possible
and to explore their own personal potential. We don't have to give up
ourselves for a relationship but can become interdependent. Healthy
boundaries allow trust and security to develop in a relationship because
they offer an honest and reliable framework by which we can know each
other. But if we don't know where our self ends and the other begins
it is impossible.
Over-Responsibility and Guilt
One characteristic
of growing up in a dysfunctional household is that we may learn to feel
guilty if we fail to ensure the success and happiness of other members
of the household. We may feel responsible or be made to feel responsible
for the failure or unhappiness of others. Thus, in adulthood, we may
come to feel or be made to feel responsible for our partner's failures.
The guilt we feel when our partner fails may drive us to keep tearing
down our personal boundaries so that we are always available to the
other person. When we feel the pain, the guilt, the anger of being overly
responsible for another person's behaviour or life experiences, we may
seek alleviate this feeling by rescuing them from the consequences of
their behaviour as we learned in our family of origin. Thereby depriving
them of one of the most important features of an independent, healthy
and mature life, the ability to make our own life choices, accepting
the responsibility for and the consequences of our/their decisions.
Or we may bear the burden of their unacceptable behaviour for many years.
A healthier response
is to show our partners respect by allowing them to succeed or fail
on their own terms. You, of course, may choose to support your partner's
fulfilment of life goals but it is unhealthy to rescue them from all
of life's consequences. When you do agree to help ask yourself two questions
is it something they can do for themselves? and, do I resent the giving
of my own resources (self, time, money, etc.)? This may be a difficult
choice if we have confused love with rescue. You can be there to comfort
or encourage your partner when times become difficult, and you can rejoice
with them when success is the outcome. When boundaries are healthy,
you are able to say, I trust and respect you to make your own life choices.
As my equal partner, I will not try to control you by taking away your
choices in life.
The Difference Between Love and Rescue
People who grow up
in a dysfunctional family may fail to learn the difference between love
and sympathy. Children growing up in these conditions may learn to have
sympathy for the emotional crippling in their parents lives and feel
that the only time they get attention is when they show compassion for
the parent. They feel that when they forgive, they are showing love.
Actually, they are rescuing the parent and enabling abusive behaviour
to continue. They learn to give up their own protective boundaries in
order to take care of the dysfunctioning parent, becoming a surrogate
co-dependent spouse. In adulthood, they carry these learned behaviours
into their own relationships. If they can rescue their partner from
the consequences of their behaviour, they feel that they are showing
love. They get a warm, caring, sharing feeling from helping their partner,
a feeling they call love. But this may actually encourage their partner
to become needy and helpless enabling the negative behaviour to continue.
An imbalance can then occur in the relationship in which one partner
becomes the rescuer or enabler and the other plays the role of the helpless
victim. In this case, healthy boundaries which allow both partners to
live complete lives are absent. Mature love requires the presence of
healthy, flexible boundaries.
Sympathy and compassion
are worthy qualities, but they can be confused with love, especially
when boundaries have become distorted or are virtually non existent.
Healthy boundaries lead to respect for the other and equality in a relationship,
an appreciation for the aliveness and strength of the other person,
and a mutual flow of feelings between the two partners, all features
of mature love. When one partner is in control and the other is needy
and helpless, there is no room for the give-and-take of a healthy relationship.
Fantasy vs. Reality
Children from highly
dysfunctional households often feel that things will get better someday,
that a 'normal' life may lie in the future. Indeed, some days things
are fairly 'normal', but then the bad times return again. It's the normal
days that encourage the fantasy that all problems in the family might
someday be solved. This is a common cycle in highly dysfunctional families.
When they grow up, these adults carry the same types of fantasy into
their relationships. They may portray to others the myth that they have
the perfect relationship and they may believe, to themselves, that someday
all of their relationship problems will somehow be solved. They ignore
the abuse, manipulation, imbalance and control in the relationship.
By ignoring the problems, they are unable to confront them and the fantasy
of a happier future never comes to pass.
Unhealthy boundaries, where we collude with our partner
in believing the myth that everything is fine, make it difficult to
come to terms with the troubles of the relationship.
Healthy boundaries allow us to test reality rather
than rely on fantasy. When problems are present, good boundaries allow
us to define the problems and to communicate with our partner in finding
solutions. They encourage a healthy self-image, trust, consistency,
stability and productive communication.
© John Stibbs 2001