12. Women, Marriage and Divorce in the Church Today
35. EKKLESIAL MARRIAGE
(N. B. In so much of the recently discovered Latin Catholic literature, the word "ecclesia" is common. I would prefer that we use the Greek spelling "ekklesia".)
Certainly sad and distressing and often shameful cases are surfacing in our ekklesias and the disruption they cause in God's law and purpose, and his vision for us (the one flesh, made one in Him) blurs not only the ethical barriers, but the spiritual life of the believer is tarnished. It is noteworthy that not only the church, but social fabricators are also concerned at the breakdown of marriage.
The changes that have come in the twentieth century and those that are bound to come in the future, are breathtaking, and we need to ensure that our ekklesias recognise where we have come from, and the background for the reforming laws. It is no use decrying feminism; it has been a power for great good and wonderful godly reform. Women have always had the greatest investment in family, and have often been the victims, as children, or in marriage. It is only recently that they have had the courage to speak out about incest, sexual abuse and abusive marital relationships and even about brethren who make them feel uncomfortable at meetings. Even now some of us say, "ssh! ssh!"
Doris Lessing wrote, in 1963, of the pivot point that keeps the whole extraordinary structure of family life moving. The central well spring that must be strong enough to support the man, the woman, the child, the house, and garden and church, the employment and anything else that wants to heave itself onto this caravanserai. How can we support this pivot point? God is there, if He has been invited in. Are we?
SOME CONSIDERED REASONS FOR ESCALATING DIVORCE RATE
* Economic factors are different and buying power is varied. Money is rated differently and there are many attitudes to savings (for mortgages etc.) from 20 years ago.
* Women are now economically independent.
* Women now expect more from their relationships. Women may decide not to have a marriage relationship at all.
* Improved health management and longer life mean that marriages last longer, and need greater sustainability.
* Mortality rate for women in childbirth is much lower.
* Understanding PMT, mood cycles, etc., is essential and care is expected for both.
* Women have learned to say "No" and "Stop", and may not put up with abuse
* Refuges for abused women and children provide places for at risk cases.
* Counselling services are available, and not always guaranteed to keep marriages together.
* There are two people to be considered now instead of one, in a marriage and in a divorce in our Christian/secular culture.
* Divorce is easier to obtain. Court settlements are now weighted according to need.
* Maintenance payments are more controlled and the state picks up the tab where hardship occurs.
* Available birth control and abortion limits families, so women are more independent of the care of lots of little children.
* Care of the elderly is not an automatic role for women, and therefore she has more independence.
* Care of the children is not now considered an automatic role for mothers only, and so she considers that she has a right to expect more childcare help from her husband. Pre natal classes teach this.
* Women do not even need to be married to have a child.
* It is now recognised that both men and women in Christ may enhance each other towards perfection in Him, towards a better ekklesia.
If there is an escalating divorce rate in our ekklesias, we need to look at the reasons, and try to remedy them. To try to stop divorces is like patching up an old garment. Let's make new garments, and focus on creating marriages that the Lord can bless because they are made in Him.
Now that women can speak out about their secrets, and are no longer inferior, in a male orientated world, we need to provide forums where they can formulate their views verbally. We need to educate men that women do not exist and make their relationship with God through others, as indeed men do not either. Women do need to develop their talents in the Lord, allowing the term “the weaker vessel” to take its rightful place. We cannot expect a woman to put together the whole caravanserai and then sit down and wonder what comes next. Even in the very act of carrying the caravanserai along, homemaking, helping to reduce the mortgage, some are still asked to sublimate all their own needs for the family and the father. She is asked to stop mooning about and return to her duties, she can't expect more. It may be that marriage is not the only pinnacle of success for some women, or the repository of all Christian virtue. With higher loving standards of each other, we need to enshrine all virtues in the church where each other's value is nourished. Is it any wonder that women are saying again, that marriage and family are not everything. It is no use decrying them for that. We need to solve the problem and not abuse the idea. Women had opportunities opened up to them and then closed again, in our century, through two world wars and through the depression, and now, again, the labour market unemployment figures give rise to the argument again. The rhetoric is always the same, and women are urged in or out of the workforce, depending on the social fabric, and employment opportunities, and political agenda of the time.
But now young couples, even our own young couples, are solving their working and homemaking arrangements in unique ways, and we need to be supportive of their efforts. For example, it would now be unusual to find a young family man who did not know how to use the washing machine. Let's be supportive and not critical, if the arrangement helps them, in their relationship.
It is said, that women have a gender need for greater relationability in all things, more than men. Greater autonomy and social freedom has allowed women to stress their needs for that, and to bring men into the fulfilling roles that greater tenderness can have in the Christian walk. Women have great power for they hold in their bodies the gateway for human life with a food source second to none. If they chose to marry and use that potential, it is a woman's duty to teach her husband the nurturing skills that develop tenderness and loving relationships, and he to learn them, if his parents did not teach him so. Any ekklesia, worth the name of called out ones, would nurture the young families as they learn these skills, and not dislocate the families by expecting brethren to come out alone continually to meetings while his wife always cares for the family at home.
The Seventies brought great freedom to women, the freedom to say "no" if she feels the relationship is not worth it. Many a brother now has to work hard to redeem the lost ground that he hasn't cared about over the years. The past has to be repaired, before a dislocated partner can move on, and sometimes reassurance is hard to give, or perceived as not genuine, or only for an end. Brethren need to change from power models which require submission and never submit themselves to others. Why is it that religious women find it hard to break from battered and tormenting ties of marriage? Henosis is often counselled by churchmen, "turn the other cheek", "suffer yourself to be defrauded", "stay for the sake of the children", "seventy times seven". But there are other verses that have as much power, and "shake the dust", Luke 9:5 may be more appropriate. The ekklesia cannot disallow “righteous anger” that might be better addressed as self preservation, and to insist that the status quo be preserved, that is, submission to ungodly behaviour, is fatuous.
There is a rising tide of discussion about relationships in the workforce and the community, and now that has filtered into the ekklesias, there are powerful Biblical tools that we can add to help with the transformation. This has given us all greater expectations. Love and respect and mutuality can all improve. We know now that we don't have to conform and be shackled to another's standard, and that we can all be respected in our diversity, and celebrate the differences that the rich tapestry can make.
Mill fought with the agnostic minority against the church's monopoly on marriage rites. Now the state owns them all, though we are free to add a religious flavour.
Ecological havoc has shown us that we cannot use the earth as we want, the AIDS crisis has shown us that we cannot use our bodies as we wish. We have polluted the earth with industrial filth, since the revolution that we were told would bring us great benefits, we have polluted the minds of so many with our multi billion dollar pornographic industry, and now we seek to control the third world countries with our insensitivities.
"In monogamy," says Dowell, "God seems to have directed us towards the place where the human heart for happiness intersects with the need to learn to be good". If marriage is the vocation and high calling that we claim it to be, then we should teach it as a God given vocation. We need to actively teach that the home is the site of holiness. All this is an expansion of the one flesh doctrine of Eden, the significance of the Seventh Commandment and the embodiment of Christ's teaching on the powerful relationship of marriage, not equality, never equal, but in complementary roles, a meeting of hearts and minds as well as bodies. It is a shared journey and endeavour, a road to salvation, a path set by Christ and Paul.
CONCLUSION
Now, in this time, there are many factors for the rising divorce rate. If we analyse some of the reasons we need expect no other. If the participants are man, woman and God, we could expect better. Can we not think of monogamy as sexual exclusivity, not just as a prudent way to behave, and bound by what our ekklesias and families require of us, but as a way of being in God?
Beverley Russell, October 1997.
“Free to copy” (without publication) with regard to the fact that most of the research in this paper is gathered from the books mentioned, and herewith is the acknowledgement.
