2.5 Patience and Forgiveness
There is no quick cure to alcoholism. Expecting quick results makes many
care givers frustrated. In itself this is a challenge to faith in the
God who appears to men to ‘never be in a hurry’ as John Thomas was fond
of saying. “Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for him” (Ps. 37:7), David
said. This must be possible to achieve, whatever situation we are in.
The family of the alcoholic play a part in the amount of shame which they
allow the victim to feel. Paul wrote to his wayward Corinthians that he
did not seek to shame them (1 Cor. 4:14); and yet he writes in other places
to them “in order to shame them” (1 Cor. 6:15; 15:34). The alcoholic needs
to be allowed to feel the shame of their sin, they need to be ashamed
of it, and yet not in a harmful way; they need to realize that we are
not seeking to shame them, although we recognize and realize their shame.
Alcoholics need a place to go where they can return without harmful shame
after a relapse, so that they might begin again. This ‘place’ may be the
kitchen table and chatting with their daughter or wife; but that ‘place’
must not be a place where failure is hidden over or the true import of
their behaviour in any way minimized. Shame and guilt tripping will only
confirm the alcoholic in their situation. This ‘place’ must most importantly
be a place of trust and confidence and honesty. You really must not break
those confidences of the alcoholic by gossiping them to others,
especially at times of frustration. You will need your own support group,
your own place to talk with others in your position, e.g. AlAnon. Those
kitchen conferences, or whatever or wherever they are, must be places
of reality where the alcoholic without being shamed can find the courage
again to look at themselves and resolve again. They need accurate feedback,
giving them a clear picture of the realities they have avoided and create.
They need to have it spelt out to them: there is a total contradiction
between their words, principles and actions.
Prayer
Prayer for alcoholism is powerful. It really does change things. God
is willing to do things in the life of a third party for the sake of the
prayers and efforts of others. Thus when the Lord saw the faith of the
friends, He forgave and cured the paralytic (Mk. 2:5). After each discussion
with the alcoholic, lead a brief prayer. Samuel said that to cease to
pray for sinful Israel would be to sin against the Lord (1 Sam. 12:23).
The need is in itself the call to prayer. It doesn’t need the wailing
call to prayer from a Mosque tower; the tragic need of the alcoholic is
the call to prayer. The family of the alcoholic- the “co-alcoholics” as
they have been called- will face the temptation of allowing prayer to
become routine and to descend into a mere going through of the motions,
with no real belief that God will hear. This is why real prayer is imaged
in Scripture as a struggle, a wrestling both with oneself and with a Father
willing to do some things only if there is a suitable amount of the incense
of prayer rising before Him. When we pray “Thy Kingdom come” we are asking
for the will of God to be done by us and by Him in our lives. We are asking
that He becomes the final authority in our lives, leading us towards an
entrance into that Kingdom which is to surely come. Daily in prayer we
are to surrender our wills to God’s will.
The sheer desperation of alcoholism, the way it is such a mystery and
non soluble apart from recourse to the ‘higher power’, is a powerful motivation
for prayer. You are in the position of Jeremiah as he lived amongst an
apostate Judah cursed by drought for their sins: “What heathen god can
give us rain? Who but you alone, O Lord our God, can do such things as
this? Therefore we will wait for you to help us” (Jer. 14:22 TLB). And
prayer is hopeful. Hopelessness is obviously a major emotion amongst the
carers for alcoholics. If our own boundaries are secure, we ourselves
can genuinely rejoice in the concrete Hope of the life eternal which awaits
us. But if we have faith, there is also grounds for hope even for our
alcoholic friend. Picture in your mind the Father watching eagerly for
the prodigal son to return; He hadn’t heard he might be coming back. He
was daily waiting and hoping (Lk. 15:20). The hopefulness of God is really
an amazing inspiration- if we let it be. “The Lord is nigh unto all them
that call upon him, to all that call upon him in truth. He will fulfil
the desire of them that fear him: he also will hear their cry, and will
save them” (Ps. 145:18,19).
You should be aware that Alcoholics Anonymous has meetings for the families
of alcoholics, too (AlAnon). And there are support groups operating
amongst Christians, too, which I would highly recommend.
